I hate them with their little GoPro cameras in order that they can go bleating to Youtube when a car gives them a tiny nudge.  But cyclists – live with it.  Roads are for cars. Cycle lanes are for cycles. And if a cycle lane mysteriously runs out for no reason – that’s not the motorists’ problem. Go bleating to the Council – don’t go smacking the side of cars because a car didn’t cross the middle white line into oncoming traffic just because you were chatting two abreast to your lycra lover whilst trying to emulate Bradley Wiggins and not paying proper attention.  He got knocked off his bike. Probably deserved it. What was he doing at a garage? Trying to fill up his bike with petrol?  Of course, we don’t know whether he deserved it or not because there wasn’t a GoPro on the side of the car – but are we going to have to get GoPros on cars now to keep an eye on punchy cyclists? How would you like it if I leant out and slapped your bike when you clip my car? What happens when cyclists ride on pavements? I think pedestrians should be able to slap them.  But don’t slap them too hard, because if they are frightened of cycling on the pavements, they’ll come back on the roads.

There are plenty of examples of cyclists killing pedestrians on the pavement. I haven’t bothered to find any. But there are loads. Obviously not as many as cyclists killed by motor vehicles but I’m not interested in that. Probably some cyclists deserved to die. You’re driving along – the cyclists don’t keep into the kerb and so it takes forever to get round them – then you get past them and you breathe a sigh of relief – then you come to a traffic light – they catch up and come directly in front of you – and you’ve got to get past them all over again. I can imagine if you come to enough traffic lights in quick succession you might be tempted to set off from the lights as amber comes on – just to give them a little warning shunt not to go in front for the eighth time. And if they do come off their bikes and bang their heads – that’s their fault. Shouldn’t have helmets with gaps in.  Are they only trying to protect every other inch of their heads? I tell you if I were a cyclist I wouldn’t be seen dead in one of those helmets. I’d rather get brain-damaged. Which I am.

I tell you, you’d have to be brain-damaged to wear all that coloured lycra.  Most of them have not got bodies that suit streamlining. I’ve seen cyclists in lycra that have made me physically unwell. Deserved to be knocked off – difficult to control a vehicle whilst looking at that.  You are not supposed to shove a sack of potatoes into lycra.  These people would not be streamlined if they got sucked into a sewer pipe. Which is what should happen to them. Them and their lycra. And their saddles. And their bells.  What sort of audible warning noise is that? *Ting a ling*. “I say you are about to kill me”.  *Ting a ling*. Women cyclists are apparently more likely to be killed than male cyclists because male cyclists are more likely to shout at the driver and let him know they are there. In which case, instead of having a bell that goes ‘ting-a-ling’ – why not have one that shouts ‘oi! – oi!– oi!” ? Or one that swears? The tourettes bell. “Oi – oi! – oi! – *£@% off”. That might do some good for the lady cyclists. And I’d find it quite sexual.

Of course, Raleigh was a great British bike company. I liked Raleigh. Made in Nottingham since 1887. No longer. Now owned by the Germans.  What have the Germans ever given us? Shepherd dogs and measles. Not that you can say German measles anymore – you’ve got to say rubella – it’s political correctness gone mad. We’ll have to say Aids next instead of gay plague.

But I’ve bought myself a bike. Only because these stupid drink driving laws mean you can’t drive pissed now – but any freak on a two-wheeler can be off his noddle on pills.  And when I ride that bike, I shall have a sign on my back saying “Motorists. Thankyou for letting me use your roads”.  And if you see me cycling, knock me off – it’s what I would have wanted.

Murder is down. Violent crime is down. Property crime generally is down.  And nobody seems exactly sure why, given that virtually everybody said that with the age of austerity, crime would increase.  Various theories have been put forward. Take your pick from any one of the following, as it seems your guess will be just as good as the experts’:-

The reduction of lead in petrol because lead in petrol in the atmosphere affects the brain. Lead has been reduced in petrol but you can still find a lot of lead in certain places decomposing slowly in the atmosphere – stained glass windows in churches, fishing sinkers, pewter mugs – which might be an argument to avoid vicars, fish and battle re-enactment societies.

The much bigger size of consumer goods such as plasma televisions although that didn’t stop people making a beeline for Currys during the riots. And it’s not like old televisions were easy to carry – yes they were smaller but they were much bulkier and weighed a ton. At least with plasma TVs you can chuck a curtain over it, put on a dodgy Breton cap and pretend you are some arts student carrying a portfolio.

The cheapness of goods now means it is hardly worth nicking them.  Things are certainly very competitive on the high street – Poundland in Dudley in the West Midlands has had to have a cut-price sale. They are apparently being undercut by the 99p shop nextdoor – so now everything in Poundland Dudley is 97p.  Where will it end? Poundstretcher no longer doing any business – but 93pStretcher doing a roaring trade.

The increase in home computer games gives young males an alternative outlet. Of course, violent computer games used to be blamed for creating more violence. Now it seems they could be leading to less violence. I never really subscribed to the idea that DVD nasties created copycat violence. There are lots of powerful films out there. If DVD nasties led to copycat behaviour, why shouldn’t other films? Given what’s currently on release, how come people aren’t drinking champagne wearing 1920s spats whilst dancing the Charleston with flappers, or attempting to crash a spaceship into San Francisco, or taking a tiger for a ride on a boat?

There are more unemployed people at home and there are, therefore, less empty houses to break into.  If you’re angry and disenfranchised the last thing you want to do is to break into a house which contains somebody who is as angry and disenfranchised as you are. Besides, you’d better stay home yourself, just in case they break into yours.

Austerity itself. Nobody has anything worth nicking anymore, so if you did break in you’d only find stuff that was probably worth a quid – or perhaps 97pence.

And my favourite theory, easy access to hardcore porn. Marx said that religion was the opium of the masses. No longer it seems. Debbie Does Dallas may be the opium of the masses.  And Ron Jeremy is their Pope. All hail the internet!

And that’s not all. We’ll have gay people marrying just to avoid inheritance tax. Do you want to see that in church – priest going anybody got any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony and a little group from UK Uncut shouting Tax evasion.

I mean I could marry my son – or my brother – possibly – obviously I couldn’t – but it is theoretically possible until they actually frame the legislation.  Because it obviously doesn’t matter marrying your first cousin if its two geezers – as they are not going to be able to have kids anyway.  Although they can now – use a sperm and somebody else’s uterus.  And who’s to say that they won’t find a way of splitting a sperm and joining two halves of a sperm so as we do have an interbred sperm.  Then we’ll have to hope it’s a gay sperm and will head away from the vagina and start migrating towards the anus.

Because gay men – they haven’t got a box between them.  So how they going to be able to split up for non-consummation. None of them can consummate. You can’t give birth with an arse. Mind you I have had one or two toilet stops that have felt a little like childbirth. If childbirth is like pooing a melon, I’ve given birth to a pumpkin.

And we could have a lesbian queen.  Won’t happen for a while unless Charles has a sex change, of course. But let’s mention it anyway. A Queen and a queen.  Two lesbians on the throne.  Sounds more like a DVD I got under the counter at the local corner shop.

And there is David Cameron’s government calling activists swivel-eyed loons.  Average age of tory member is 68. Of course, we’re not into gay marriage – when we were growing up homosexuality was illegal. As it should be.  Sexual offences Act 1967. I tell you 1966 was a great year. No gays, England won the world cup and Rolling Stones were at No 1 with Paint it Black.  Not that they’d probably be allowed to call it that now.  Have to call it paint it African American.  What Mick Jagger and David Bowie had a gay affair?  You’ll be telling me Liberace was a round-the-wicket spin-shirtlifter next.

What is this government up to? They’re all puffs. Apart from Iain Duncan-Smith – he was in the army. Still it’s all puffs in there now as well. Puffs and foreigners. Imagine if our army was all foreign puffs during the war – we’d now all be goosestepping to Hitler and singing ‘deutschland uber alles’ which is what will be happening if we don’t pull out of the EU soon. We’re anglo-saxon and proud. What? The angles and the saxons were originally German tribes? I’m German? You’ll be calling me a foreign puff next. I’ll have to join the army to sort myself out. Still there’s only one sort of bayonet I’m likely to get there now – a pork one. Yes I said it. I’m not afraid of political correctness – but I have gone mad. I don’t know how we ever think we’re ever going to catch any terrorists with the boys in pink – are they going to try and catch them by lying down, parting their buttocks and going ‘cooey!’? And if they do catch a terrorist like that – have a look at their face – we’ll not be the only ones who are swivel-eyed then.

It’s not like the Conservative position was confused. Cameron had said he was going to fight tooth and claw with Europe to grab some powers back – he’ll then put those changes in a referendum to a public vote in 2017, at which point he will then fight wholeheartedly to remain in Europe. Tony Blair said this policy was like putting a gun to your own head. I would have said its more like going to a party, telling everybody you are thinking of leaving the party, shitting on the carpet and then shouting “we’re staying!”.

The draft referendum bill was only published by Cameron to appease backbenchers – who then went ahead anyway to vote with ‘regret’ that such a bill didn’t appear in Queen’s speech. This draft bill will need to be introduced by a private member because Conservatives in government can’t introduce it as they specifically agreed not to whilst in Coalition. Not that the Lib Dems will feel too let down. I’m sure they’ll rather enjoy watching the Conservatives split down the middle again.  Cameron has said he won’t ‘lurch to the right’. But he seems to be being dragged towards some sort of Eurotrash TimeWarp. A lurch to the right. And a jump to the right. And a step to the right. With your hand on your hips – bring your hand to the right.

This is all in response to the continued emergence of UKIP. But is UKIP really that much of a threat? It seems more like a cult led by a cross between a bookmaker and Rupert the Bear. He’s always seen with a pint in his hand – but somebody who you always see with a pint in his hand is usually something of an arsehole – because if when you first see them they’ve got a pint, it’s usually not their first pint. Admittedly you don’t often see Nigel Farage finishing the pint he’s holding – but given that UKIP’s policies seem to be 40% more on defence, doubling the number of prison places although we’ve got highest prison population per capita in Europe, abolition of the top rate of tax and tax everybody at around 25%, more grammar schools, 50% more nuclear power, partial repeal of smoking ban and foxhunting ban – you’re thinking what will the policies look like when he does finish the pint?

Gripes about Europe seem largely twofold – Eastern European immigration. And the Human Rights Act. In terms of immigration, the Home Office were supposedly thinking of advertising in Romania to put Romanians off coming to Britain by telling them such things as how crap our weather is. Surely a better advert would be to tell the Romanians that the UK within Europe has the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease, violent crime, obesity, drug use & depression – and follow it up with a big picture of Jimmy Saville.

But advertising to Romanians not to come is in danger of seriously backfiring. In 1972 Leicester City Council advertised in Uganda saying they didn’t want Ugandans to come to Leicester. But that apparently led to increase in Ugandans coming to Leicester, because until the adverts, most people in Uganda had never heard of Leicester and had no idea they might be able to go there.

One of the reasons cited against immigrants is that they come over here to go on benefits. This is wrong. Immigrants are more likely to pay tax – and less likely to be on benefits [e.g. http://www.itv.com/news/update/2013-03-25/immigrants-significantly-less-likely-to-claim-benefits/]. And the experience of Polish immigration seems to have been a largely positive one – polite, punctual, speak good English and happy doing jobs we’re not keen to do. And what’s the downside – going into a corner shop and finding very cheap polish beer and vodka with names that you can only pronounce when you’re pissed.

As for the Human Rights Act, Chris Grayling the justice minister has said Conservatives would like to repeal it [http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/381630/Tories-pledge-to-scrap-dangerous-Human-Rights-Act ]. This is the same Chris Grayling who said about welfare reform that it would not make more people homeless but that ‘it may result in individual cases of housing mobility’. What a double-speaking tosspot. Not that I want to see him de-selected as an MP. I’m just hoping his constituents decide to make him an individual case of parliamentary mobility.

What the Human Rights Act prevents us from doing is sending some people back to their home countries if the courts think they will be tortured. We could prosecute them in the UK but often the security services don’t want to because they don’t want to reveal their sources or they don’t think the evidence will stack up in court. So surely the thing to do is to release them and then re-arrest them when we can stack things up in court. Britain always like to feel that it stands for justice. And yes the individuals concerned might not share the same standards of justice as we do . But that’s ultimately why we will win – because our ideas are better than theirs.  And that’s why the Conservatives have lost in the last week – the idea of wasting Parliamentary time, on something that isn’t going to happen, and if, at some stage in the future, it does happen, it was going to happen anyway – smells as badly as Norman Tebbit’s logic that legalising gay marriage might allow him to marry his own son for tax purposes. An extremely frightening prospect. Particularly for his son.

As has been pointed out quite admirably by Westminster Council, some roads in the capital are busier at 3am than they are at 3pm. Everybody knows this. People talk about the school run and rush hour. But everybody knows far more time-consuming are the snack run and the insomnia hour. People are always saying “Ooo don’t go out now at 3am – you’ll get caught in the ‘just discovered no milk for breakfast rush’”. I mean, I am flabbergasted that given these late-night log-jams the parking charges stop at midnight. I would urge the council to go further. I have seen their congestion studies. They conclusively prove that at least one road is just a tiny bit busier at 3am than at any other time of the day. No matter that this road contains a late night garage, a police station, a 24-hour supermarket and an A & E department. That research is good enough for me and I feel warrants parking charges round the clock. Nobody wants congestion when they are filling up with petrol having reported to the police that they had their arm broken whilst doing their weekly shop in their pyjamas.

People have also said that the charges of up to £4.80 an hour are outrageous. Once again for me they don’t go far enough. We all know the current minimum wage is £6.08. Why should parking meters be any different? Do they not have the right to earn minimum wage? I feel they do – and I’m sure if we look closely at the European Parking Meters Rights Act there will be that provision provided [although, I am happy with £4.80 for 16 & 17 year-old parking meters who’ve only just entered the workforce].

Other people have said that charging between 1pm and 6pm will prevent certain people attending church services. But once again, this is justice. Not all religions have their weekly services on a Sunday. Some have them on a Friday. Some have them on a Saturday. So Westminster Council are just evening the playing field for all religions. That’s only fair in multicultural Britain. [Although I did notice that Westminster Council did change the parking charge times by one hour on a Sunday to now start at 1pm rather than midday as a concession to church groups – so Christians, don’t worry, you are still winning]

Yet others, have described this as a ‘nightlife’ tax. Good. Compared to France, Germany and the United States productivity rates in this country are abysmal. Anything that encourages people to knuckle down and not go frittering their evenings away on fun has to be the right way forward for Britain. None of this going into town and enjoying a pint and a meal and a show – we need people in bed early with a decaffeinated mug of cocoa whilst making a list of how they can do better the next day for themselves and for their country. David Cameron wants to put the Great back into Great Britain and we won’t achieve that by going out to some dive bar and dancing in skimpy knickers to ‘What makes you beautiful’ by One Direction.

And, if all this wasn’t enough, there’s been this background noise that if Westminster Council introduce late night parking, people will just park in neighbouring Camden Council areas such as Holborn etc. and congest those up. But once again, I can see the positives in this. Yes, those areas may get a little more congested but it means you won’t have to drive so far into town which will save you petrol and therefore money, and it means you will have a little walk to get to your destination which will be good for your health. Win, win, win.

And let us not forget that this money has the potential to earn the Council an extra 7 million pounds a year. Seven Million Pounds. And imagine all the brilliant things they could do with that sort of money. For instance, they could build a massive car park and let everybody park for free after 6.30pm.

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