Jeremy Lawjohn – Britain’s Most Rightwing Columnist: Gay Marriage

Now two men can get married. Two geezers.  Two geezers can get married.  Going to ruin weddings.  What happens when the bride throws the bouquet? There are now going to be blokes in the line-up trying to grab it so as they can be the ones to marry next. It’ll be like a line-out in rugby. They’ll be lifting and shirt-pulling and gouging – at a wedding. And lots of tall men will get married. And no short fat people will ever get married again.

And that’s not all. We’ll have gay people marrying just to avoid inheritance tax. Do you want to see that in church – priest going anybody got any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony and a little group from UK Uncut shouting Tax evasion.

I mean I could marry my son – or my brother – possibly – obviously I couldn’t – but it is theoretically possible until they actually frame the legislation.  Because it obviously doesn’t matter marrying your first cousin if its two geezers – as they are not going to be able to have kids anyway.  Although they can now – use a sperm and somebody else’s uterus.  And who’s to say that they won’t find a way of splitting a sperm and joining two halves of a sperm so as we do have an interbred sperm.  Then we’ll have to hope it’s a gay sperm and will head away from the vagina and start migrating towards the anus.

Because gay men – they haven’t got a box between them.  So how they going to be able to split up for non-consummation. None of them can consummate. You can’t give birth with an arse. Mind you I have had one or two toilet stops that have felt a little like childbirth. If childbirth is like pooing a melon, I’ve given birth to a pumpkin.

And we could have a lesbian queen.  Won’t happen for a while unless Charles has a sex change, of course. But let’s mention it anyway. A Queen and a queen.  Two lesbians on the throne.  Sounds more like a DVD I got under the counter at the local corner shop.

And there is David Cameron’s government calling activists swivel-eyed loons.  Average age of tory member is 68. Of course, we’re not into gay marriage – when we were growing up homosexuality was illegal. As it should be.  Sexual offences Act 1967. I tell you 1966 was a great year. No gays, England won the world cup and Rolling Stones were at No 1 with Paint it Black.  Not that they’d probably be allowed to call it that now.  Have to call it paint it African American.  What Mick Jagger and David Bowie had a gay affair?  You’ll be telling me Liberace was a round-the-wicket spin-shirtlifter next.

What is this government up to? They’re all puffs. Apart from Iain Duncan-Smith – he was in the army. Still it’s all puffs in there now as well. Puffs and foreigners. Imagine if our army was all foreign puffs during the war – we’d now all be goosestepping to Hitler and singing ‘deutschland uber alles’ which is what will be happening if we don’t pull out of the EU soon. We’re anglo-saxon and proud. What? The angles and the saxons were originally German tribes? I’m German? You’ll be calling me a foreign puff next. I’ll have to join the army to sort myself out. Still there’s only one sort of bayonet I’m likely to get there now – a pork one. Yes I said it. I’m not afraid of political correctness – but I have gone mad. I don’t know how we ever think we’re ever going to catch any terrorists with the boys in pink – are they going to try and catch them by lying down, parting their buttocks and going ‘cooey!’? And if they do catch a terrorist like that – have a look at their face – we’ll not be the only ones who are swivel-eyed then.